At my place of employment, we occasionally have a challenge. Called the Friday Challenge. Not always on a Friday, not always challenging. But fun nonetheless. Anyway, today’s task was to give instructions on boiling an egg. I like my submission, so here it is:

It’s actually really easy.

Step 1: Music. The music is the most vital step in the process, so it’s important to get it right. I suggest something upbeat, but not too upbeat. You’ll want a playlist, as this could be a lengthy process, and you don’t want to be caught in the middle with no music. This also helps to lull the egg into a false sense of security, and keeping it calm during the boiling process.

Step 2: Attire. Attire is important in the egg boiling process. Attire can be used to controll how hard or soft the final product is. But you have to be careful not to overdo it. If you’re overdressed, the egg will be intimidated, start shaking, and the yolk will break. You don’t want this. However, underdress, and the egg won’t take you seriously and will not cook all the way through. I suggest smart casual as a good middle ground. Add a tie or jacket for a slightly harder egg, or undo a button or two, for a softer, runnier end result.

Step 3: Attitude. As with attire, you must have the correct attitude when dealing with eggs. Eggs are generally considered mischevious, nasty, vengeful beasts that will do their utmost to make your life difficult. Don’t anthropomorphise your eggs. They’re not vindictive, they’re not evil. They are eggs. They don’t hate you, they’re just doing what eggs do. Remember this, and be sure to appear in controll at all times. Eggs can sense and will react to fear. Show them none. If you believe you’re in control, they will too.

Step 4: Water. Getting the eggs into the water can be difficult for a first time boiler. There’s not much I can tell you here, this is trial and error. A good tip, is to cover the egg in a wash cloth when carrying them to the pot. If they can’t see where they’re going, they won’t struggle. Keep in mind though, that eggs don’t like being covered, and may squirm. Try to lull them a little first. See step 1. Also, gently stroking them helps too. Do not sing however. Eggs have an impecable sense of hearing and if you’re even slightly out of tune, it’ll aggrevate them. Best to leave it to the professionals.

Step 5: Boiling. Now, boiling will kill the eggs. Nothing to be done about that. Circle of life and all that. Once you get the eggs into the water, you should be prepared for screaming, begging and pleading. Just tell the kids to get out of the kitchen, and turn up the music. The eggs might scream too, but don’t worry. Many scientific studies have been done, and it has been shown that they just do this as a form of echolalia. They can’t actually feel anything, they’re just mimicking your kids/SO’s screams. One fringe study even suggests that they don’t really scream and it’s all in your head. If it helps, hold onto that.

Step 6: Serving. Finally, now that you’ve murdered… I mean boiled your egg, it’s time to serve it. This mostly comes down to personal preference, but here are some ideas:
On a plate.
In a bowl.
In the bin, because eggs are disgusting.

In conclusion, boiling an egg, is really not hard. Most people shy away from trying, because they’re intimidated, or they’ve heard horror stories about people doing it wrong. Boiling an egg correctly should not be dangerous, and even if you do mess it up somehow, fear not. Loss of limb only happens in the rarest circumstances. Now what are you waiting for! Go make me some eggs!

Sarcasm over text. Nothing new here. Everyone knows it’s damn near impossible to tell if someone is being sarcastic over text. This leads to people either overdoing it, or having other people think they’re legitimately stupid. How often have you read something on the internet and gone:

Well, the guys at glennmcanally.com thought they could fix this problem (in 2004… ye, I’m late to the party. I’m sorry.) Their idea (borrowed from H.L Mencken) was to create a left leaning font, to indicate that the writer is using sarcasm. I like this idea. So I’ve included said font (as you can see earlier in this paragraph.)

So now, anytime you see something written like this, you should read it like this:

So lets give this a try. I’m loving doing support work again.

Looks good!